Midweek Humor

Flat-out Lying

On a beautiful fall day, four of my granddaughter’s friends decided to go for a drive instead of showing up to class on time.

When they did arrive, the girls explained to the teacher they had had a flat tire. The teacher accepted the excuse, much to the girls’ relief.

“Since you missed this morning’s quiz, you must take it now,” she said. “Please sit in the four corner seats in this room without talking.” When they were seated, the teacher said, “On your paper write the answer to one question: ‘Which tire was flat?'”

—Clara Null, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, Christian Reader, “Lite Fare.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

A Saint by Comparison

Two brothers had terrorized a small town for decades. They were unfaithful to their wives, abusive to their children, and dishonest in business. The younger brother died unexpectedly.

The surviving brother went to the pastor of the local church. “I’d like you to conduct my brother’s funeral,” he said, “but it’s important to me that during the service, you tell everyone my brother was a saint.”

“But he was far from that,” the minister countered.

The wealthy brother pulled out his checkbook. “Reverend, I’m prepared to give $100,000 to your church. All I’m asking is that you publicly state that my brother was a saint.”

On the day of the funeral, the pastor began his eulogy this way. “Everyone here knows that the deceased was a wicked man, a womanizer, and a drunk. He terrorized his employees and cheated on his taxes.”

Then he paused. “But as evil and sinful as this man was, compared to his older brother, he was a saint!”

—Greg Asimakoupoulos, Naperville, Illinois. Leadership, Vol. 16, no. 4.
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

An Introduction to Horseradish

Our seven-year-old grandson, Matthew, is always eager to try new foods. One dinner I served roast beef accompanied by a traditional side dish.

Curious, Matthew asked what it was. “Horseradish,” I replied.

We all cautioned him about its effects. But he politely helped himself to a small portion, which disappeared in one swallow.

Seconds later, Matthew’s face contorted in shock as he gasped, “Which part of the horse is it?”

—Ruby J. Cleroux, Vauxhall, Alberta. Christian Reader, “Kids of the Kingdom.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

How many women can a man marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the minister said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”
Think Fast

One day, my husband announced to the family that he was going to fast and pray. Ginny, our 5-year-old, had recently learned that fasting meant not eating. “No!” she shouted. “You can’t fast! You’ll die!”

Her dad carefully explained that many men and women fasted in Bible times.

Ginny paused a moment. Then, with a flash of insight and a note of warning, she proved her point. “And they all died,” she said.

—Kathy Cash, Dallas, TX. Today’s Christian Woman, “Heart to Heart.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Nothing to Wink At

In Bible college, I began dating a fellow. During our first month of dating, we decided we should study the Bible together.

With my plot well set, one night I opened my Bible to (Proverbs 18:22) and read, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

I looked up, winked, and said, “Couldn’t you use a little favor from the Lord?”

My boyfriend, a Bible scholar, was quick with his reply from (Proverbs 10:10)—”He who winks the eye causes trouble.”

—Carolyn Kempf, Jackson, Mo. Christian Reader, “Lite Fare.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Birds of a Feather

Recently, our 4-year-old son, Dana, went next door to play with his friend Dan.
Dan’s father answered the door and asked, “Dana, have you had the chicken pox?”

“What?” asked our bewildered son.

“The chicken pox,” repeated Dan’s dad.

“Well,” replied Dana, “I don’t know ’bout a chicken box, but I have a bird feeder!”

—Susan Cardwell, Granby, CT. Today’s Christian Woman, “Heart to Heart.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Praying Without Food

During a visit with our daughter’s family, my husband went into the bedroom to pray.
Our curious 3-year-old granddaughter followed him and came out saying, “Papa’s in there praying, and there isn’t any food!”

—Norma G. Goodrich, Ruskin, Fla. Christian Reader, “Kids of the Kingdom.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Wednesday, 5 April 2012

Washing Your Own Hair

My 7-year-old often asks for help in washing her long hair. One day I said, “You really need to learn to do this by yourself.”

“I know,” she replied. “I don’t want my husband to laugh at me when you have to come over and wash my hair every day.”

—Jeanne Martin, Springfield, Ill. Christian Reader, “Kids of the Kingdom.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

A Long Line of Grandfathers

One day I sat down with my daughter and explained with great pride that her grandfather was a preacher, her great-great grandfather was a preacher, and her great-great-great grandfather was a preacher.

To which she replied, “Wow! We sure come from a long line of grandfathers.”

—Linda Click, Adrian, MI. Christian Reader, “Kids of the Kingdom.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Little Girls Need Mommies

Four-year-old Emily accompanied her mother into a public restroom equipped with handicapped facilities. “What are the bars for?” she asked.

“They’re for big people to hold on to,” her mother explained. Emily thought a moment, squeezed her mother’s hand, and said, “Little girls don’t need bars because they have mommies to hold on to.”

—Guy Belleranti, Tucson, AZ. Christian Reader, “Kids of the Kingdom.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Best Intentions

One day, I taught my young class the story of Jesus visiting Mary and Martha. I carefully explained how Martha had hurried to clean the house and cook a special meal. Then I paused and asked, “What would you do if Jesus was going to visit your house today?” One little girl quickly responded, “I’d put the Bible on the table!”

—Louise Day, Mount Holly, VA. Today’s Christian Woman, “Heart to Heart.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Wednesday, March 8, 2012

Going Up?

A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70. They kept going, and he got nervous. He took his daddy’s hand and said, “Daddy, does God know we’re coming?”

—Leighton Ford, “Hope for a Great Forever,” Preaching Today, Tape No. 96.
Visit PreachingToday for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Eternity Clothes

As we began to pastor our first church, my wife, Lori, and I found we were going to have a third child. Several weeks later, Lori was going through her clothes, which no longer fit. Watching her, our 5-year-old son asked, “Mom, now that you’re going to have a baby, are you going to have to wear ‘eternity’ clothes?”

—Rev. Bill McKibben, Woodlake, Cal. “Kids of the Kingdom,” Christian Reader.
Visit PreachingToday for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

ENGLISH/BISAYA

1) ASPECT / Pangbuak sa yelo
2) CITY / Bag-o mag-otso
3) DEDUCT / Ang itik
4) DEFEAT / Ang tiil
5) DEPOSIT / Ang gripo
6) DETAIL / Ang ikog
7) DEVASTATION / Stasyonan ug bus
8) EFFORT / Tugpahanan ug eroplano
9) PERSUADING / Unang kasal
10) DEPRESS / Pari
11) PREDICATE / Buhian ang iring
12) PROTESTANT / Tindahan ug prutas
13) STATUE / Ikaw ba na?

Source:  Dave’s “Happy Hour” at CPU-WFA

A New Golden Rule

We’ve always tried to instill in our children God’s desire that they respect and obey their parents. One morning, following an evening of explaining the Golden Rule to my preschool daughter, Katie, I quizzed her.

“What’s the Golden Rule?” I asked.

With a look of exasperation she replied, “I know, I know. You’re the mommy!”

—Kymberly Nies, El Paso, TX. “Heart to Heart,” Today’s Christian Woman.  Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Last trip for Valentine’s Day

“Where there is smoke, there is fire. Where there is you, there is desire.” ~ A passionate love quote

This is a “classic.” Valentine’s Day Humor:

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…

Precious Stones?

Just before Valentine’s Day, my construction superintendent husband, Bill, casually asked me the name of my favorite perfume. “Sand and Sable,” I said, pleased I was getting more than just candy.

With that vital information, Bill confidently approached the clerk in the Penney’s perfume department and asked, “Could I have a bottle of Sand and Gravel, please?”

—Marion R. Hocking, Mesa, Arizona. Christian Reader, “Lite Fare.”
Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

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